first

I used to have a blogger, at least two years ago.

I like the platform for what I want, so I'm back from tumblr and twitter.

I've been feeling very, very bad lately. Depression is back in full force and I hate myself moreso for succumbing to it, especially when I was okay for so long.

I was quitting smoking, and here I am, chain smoking all night long, when I am supposed to be studying.

I can't study. The years of self hatred have taken their toll, and I can't do it anymore. I was such a good student in the past and I am so ashamed for what I have become. I am literally a machine that only operates when constantly distracted by television and social media.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I have my first appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday, and I am hopeful that she will be able to help me make sense of my life, and maybe make something of my pitiful existence.

I realize that the way I am is wrong, and I want to fix it, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I hate sounding cliche, but I really am so broken and I don't know if it's even possible to fix me.

I never left my house unless to school, church, or stores occasionally with my mother until I was 14, excluding a handful of occasions. I've since made friends and have been developing a social life, but I can't erase those first years of my life. I can't get rid of that loneliness. I'm going to be 20 in two weeks, and I have made nothing of myself. All my life, I have tried to fit in, and now I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about me (in theory) but I still overcompensate to make myself look like something to be aspired to. All I care about is being pretty and that is so fucked up because I am so smart but I waste all my energy on trying to be thinner, prettier, and generally better than everyone else.

I don't know if this is coherent, or if I'm over sharing.

I just don't fucking know.

That's it for now.

Kate