2

Today was alright. Since I've been home all day, I found it hard to restrict as much as I wanted to.

I ended up eating 812 calories, at least half of which came from fruits and vegetables. I did not work out today because whatever I suck sometimes.

As I used up most of my day watching various random things on tv, watching movies, listening to music, and going on twitter, I chugged a rockstar (I know they're terrible) to get some cleaning done tonight, so I could feel at least a little bit productive. Still don't.


I still want to read  some of my physics textbook and I need to shower, so this is where I sign off.

Kate

1 (again)

I had a couple of bad days in there, but I pulled myself together for Saturday.

I don't care to strain my brain to remember everything I ate, but the calorie total was 903, which seems very high, until I factor in that I biked to campus for a zumba class, and burned 566 calories total.

On Friday, I went to an herbal store, and purchased bee pollen. I feel a bit bad about that, as I am a vegan, and the sad thing is that I care much more about losing weight than the world's declining bee population. Bee pollen is supposed to increase metabolism and decrease appetite, and the herbal store had it for a very good price. I spent a good hour working on putting the bee pollen into the veg capsules I bought.

So far, it seems to be working. The only reason I ate so much yesterday is because I literally felt like I was going to pass out when I got home from my workout.

By the way, zumba is highly embarrassing if you are a white girl who can't dance to latin music very well.
Just so you  know.

Anyway, today is going well so far, but I don't want to jinx myself, so I'll post later to say whether it was actually good.


Kate

2

Yesterday was a bust. The binge monster made me do things I wish I hadn't.

I can't believe I did that.

It was a very weak thing of me to do, considering I had only restricted for one fucking day.

Move on. Whatever. Today will be flawless.


Kate

1

Today is the first day of stopping being so fucking fat getting back on track.

I went for my initial psychologist appointment today, and almost got my father reported for abuse which he kind of deserves. I'll be getting assigned my permanent doctor on Friday.

After I got out of my appointment, I went to go to my calculus homework in the library, and realized I forgot to copy my friend's notes, so I couldn't. I went outside to eat my breakfast/lunch:

• 15 baby carrots- 60 calories
• 7 raw almonds- 49 calories
• 1 cutie- 40 calories

After that, I realized I was crashing, and, despite the fact that I'm short on funds, decided to get a cup of coffee.

• starbucks grande coffee with soy milk, stevia- 45 calories?

Then it was time for my physics lab. I went to wait in the building with my coffee, and lo and behold, this guy who's interested in me (I'm not really sure if I reciprocate) came around the corner and we talked for a little bit, and I was super awkward, so he bowed out early, even though we both had a few minutes until class. I don't know how I feel about him, but I wanted to keep him liking me, so I would have longer to decide. Whatever.

I went to go study in the library with my friend after lab, and photocopied her calc notes. She ended up giving me:

• 1 saltine cracker- 13 calories

Finally time for getting my ass back in the gym, so I went to pilates and burned

• -195 calories

The class was super difficult, as I am extremely out of shape. I'm pretty certain the girl in front of me was anorexic, but that's just going from body type (extremely skinny, but with defined muscles). Whatever, she looked good to me. I was so self conscious the whole time because I was getting a good look at my fat, flabby, disgusting thighs.

There are too many thin people on campus. Too many thigh gaps walking around for my sanity.

I'm home now and I'm drinking a smoothie:

• 1 cup frozen strawberries- 50 calories
• 1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk- 30 calories
• 2 tbsp hemp protein powder- 54 calories
• stevia- 0
• water- 0

So far my total is 341 calories consumed, 146 calories net.

I intend to go for a run later, and I'm definitely making something with Mexican type flavors for dinner.

I'll update later with the rest of today.

UPDATE

Tex Mex broccoli bowl

• 1 cup broccoli- 50 
• 1/2 black beans- 100
• 1/4 avocado- 63
• 2 tbsp salsa- 10
• garlic powder, onion powder, cilantro, cumin, cayanne- 30

I ended up not going for a run because it got dark and someone got raped in my neighborhood and fuck that.

Total calories: 594
Net calories: 399

Not a bad first day. I need to work on meeting my 50 calories per item, but aside from that, I just feel really good eating small again.


See you tomorrow,
Kate

planning

I keep thinking about how I'm going to get back on track losing weight. It's been so long since I've lost anything significant, but I think I can manage.

Maybe I'll do a kid food sort of diet. You know, things like carrot sticks, apple sauce, clementines.

I think I'll only eat things in increments of about 50 calories.

• 12 carrot sticks~ 48 calories
• 1 applesauce cup~ 50 calories
• 1 cutie~ 40 calories
• 1 cup cooked broccoli~ 55 calories
• 7 raw almonds~ 49 calories
• 2/3 cup Kashi whole grain puff cereal~ 46 calories
• 1 veggie hot dog~ 45 calories
• 1 cup almond milk~ 30 calories
• 1/2 banana~ 50 calories

Okay, I'm getting a bit obsessive, so I'll stop there. But, I do like how childlike and tiny the portions are. I can have as much mustard and hot sauce as I want. Teeny tiny bites. I'll aim to have three meals per day with three of these items per meal.

I also want to start going to the gym at my college again. Yoga, spinning, whatever. I just need to get there.

My first psych appointment is tomorrow. I will not be telling her about any eating disordered behaviors, but I suppose I could mention my body dysmorphia. If she notices me losing weight, I'll tell her I've been too busy to eat or something.

I just want to be skeletally toned. Like, I want visible ribs and abs. Sharp collar bones and noticeable deltoid muscles. Thigh gap with a perky ass.

You get the picture.

My ideal BMI is 16.5. That would be perfect.

I'll make a sidebar with my stats, so you get me.

Signing off now.


Kate

first

I used to have a blogger, at least two years ago.

I like the platform for what I want, so I'm back from tumblr and twitter.

I've been feeling very, very bad lately. Depression is back in full force and I hate myself moreso for succumbing to it, especially when I was okay for so long.

I was quitting smoking, and here I am, chain smoking all night long, when I am supposed to be studying.

I can't study. The years of self hatred have taken their toll, and I can't do it anymore. I was such a good student in the past and I am so ashamed for what I have become. I am literally a machine that only operates when constantly distracted by television and social media.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I have my first appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday, and I am hopeful that she will be able to help me make sense of my life, and maybe make something of my pitiful existence.

I realize that the way I am is wrong, and I want to fix it, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I hate sounding cliche, but I really am so broken and I don't know if it's even possible to fix me.

I never left my house unless to school, church, or stores occasionally with my mother until I was 14, excluding a handful of occasions. I've since made friends and have been developing a social life, but I can't erase those first years of my life. I can't get rid of that loneliness. I'm going to be 20 in two weeks, and I have made nothing of myself. All my life, I have tried to fit in, and now I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about me (in theory) but I still overcompensate to make myself look like something to be aspired to. All I care about is being pretty and that is so fucked up because I am so smart but I waste all my energy on trying to be thinner, prettier, and generally better than everyone else.

I don't know if this is coherent, or if I'm over sharing.

I just don't fucking know.

That's it for now.

Kate